


Non-Trad Timestamps

by MrsWhozeewhatsis (OxfordCommaLover)



Series: Non-Trad [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 04:58:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7154525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OxfordCommaLover/pseuds/MrsWhozeewhatsis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When I got done writing Non-Trad, I had a LOT of material that didn't move the story along. I couldn't bear to kill it all, though, so here it is!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas talks to Sam

_ (After Chapter 4) _

Cas watched as Y/N all but ran from the garden, trying to get away from him. Why had she apologized for bothering him? He was the one that had acted inappropriately, not her. He was a priest, for God’s sake!

The earth in his garden had never been worked over as well as it was that evening. Ripping out dying plants, cutting them down to size, and turning over dirt was therapeutic as he replayed the hours Y/N had been with him. She was so beautiful. She had loved his garden, which was his pride and joy. She was so open and trusting and caring. From the moment he heard her voice, he was drawn to her. He had turned away a few volunteers who had wanted to help with his garden, most notably Jess, who was always helpful and attentive, but he had let her in. What was it about her that made him forget everything about his life? He took vows, holy vows, unbreakable vows, and one look from her and he was ready to throw them all away.

Well, that wasn’t exactly true.

By the time darkness fell, he was long finished with his work, but he kept puttering around, anyway. He knew Father Singer would see that something was wrong, and Father Singer was the last person he wanted to talk to about this. Pulling out his phone, he tapped a message. An hour later, he was showered and dressed, skipping the dog collar in favor of another band tee given to him by the brother of his best friend.

Cas knocked on the door nervously, his mind clouded with anxiety. His friend opened the door, and with one look, Cas relaxed. There was no judgement here, no expectations, only support.

“Hello, Sam. Sorry to bother you on a Friday night. I’m sure you have better things to do than hang out with a priest.”

Sam folded Cas into his arms, clapping him on the back heartily. “I was grading papers, so not really, Cas. Besides, I always have time for you.” Sam ushered him into the apartment and Cas flopped down on the couch. “And not to make a point of it, but what’s with the Zepplin tee?”

Cas’s face flushed and he ducked to try and hide it. “I’ve worn this plenty of times since Dean gave it to me. What’s wrong with wearing it now?”

Sam flopped on the other end of the couch and raised his arms in a defensive pose. “Nothing wrong with it, Cas, I just haven’t seen you out of your collar since you got it. I wasn’t sure you were allowed to wear civvies, anymore.” Sam grinned, but Cas couldn’t match it, no matter how hard he tried.

Cas sat forward on the couch, elbows resting on knees, hands clasped together, and studied his fingernails. “I guess I’m just not feeling very priestly right now, Sam.”

“Cas? What’s wrong?”

Cas dropped his head to his hands and covered his face, forcing Sam to lean forward to hear him. “Sam, I kissed a girl today. And I liked it.”

Sam sat back in shock. Sam had been his best friend practically forever. They had lived next door to each other, gone to school together, dealt with the loss of their parents together, and even stuck together during college. While Sam had played the field, finding lots of girls throughout the years that caught his interest, or even just scratched the itch, Cas had never been interested in anyone. Sam had tried to find girls, and even guys, that would spark something in Cas, but nothing ever took hold. It wasn’t for lack of trying, though. There was one girl that came close, Daphne. Cas had dated her for a while, tried to make a relationship work, but when it came right down to sex, Cas just didn’t see the attraction. Knowing Cas was on track to be a priest, anyway, Sam had let it drop. Cas’s brother, Gabe, on the other hand, had hired a hooker. Cas had very politely sent her away. When Gabe found out, he sent another hooker, this time a guy. Cas was so flabbergasted, he’d simply slammed the door and refused to answer it again for the rest of the night.

Cas knew that telling Sam he had kissed a girl, and  _ liked _ it, would be considered big news.

Sam took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Cas was glad that his friend was keeping his cool, because if Sam lost it, he knew he’d lose it, too.

“All right, man, tell me what happened.”

“We were doing Fall cleanup. I was working on the garden, and she came to help. We got to talking. We have so much in common, Sam. She’s only a few years younger than me. She lost her dad when she was little, lost her mom a year or so ago. She’s got this smile, Sam. I told her about Luke’s name, and she laughed, and I….” Cas rubbed his hands over his face in despair. “When she talked about her mom, she cried, and I just wanted to comfort her….”

Sam interrupted, “And one thing led to another and you kissed her.”

Cas looked up in alarm. “No! I would never kiss someone when they were crying like that! No, the kiss came later, when the bees scared her. I had to get her to calm down so she wouldn’t get stung, and when she finally did, I just couldn’t let her go.” The helpless look Cas gave him nearly broke Sam’s heart.

Sam took another deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay. I’m just going to spitball here, just throw some ideas around and we’ll see if anything sticks, all right?”

Cas nodded, then went back to staring at his fingers twisting together.

“Okay. Um, let’s see, I know you’ve kissed girls before. Was this really that different?”

Cas took a deep breath and the beginnings of a smile passed over his face. “Yeah, Sam. This was completely different. It was almost magical. There were sparks, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, but I didn’t care.” Cas replayed the kiss in his mind again and felt warmth bloom in his chest.

Sam looked shocked at this revelation. “Well, okay, then.” Sam furrowed his brow in thought. “Could it have been leftover emotion from her crying? Maybe it was just something about comforting her?”

Cas squinted and tilted his head like he often did when he was trying to understand something. “The crying and the kiss were at least an hour apart. I don’t think so.”

“Did you want to kiss her anytime around the crying?”

“You should have been a lawyer, Sam. I’m feeling very interrogated.” Cas tried to make a smile, and Sam huffed a laugh at him. “But, no. The urge to kiss her didn’t happen until I was holding onto her to calm her down from the bees when some started showing an interest in her. I was a little glad there was another reason to hold her, though.” Cas’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment. After he had held her the first time, he had almost been looking for another excuse to hold her or touch her.

“So there was an attraction there before the kiss.”

Cas shrugged. “I guess. I’ve never felt an attraction like that before.” He leaned back, resting his head on the back of the couch. If this was what attraction felt like, he suddenly understood why so many people did so many stupid things in the name of it. Like kiss a girl when you’re a priest.

“Okay, let’s get away from what happened today and think big picture. Have you been having any thoughts about wanting to kiss anyone in general, lately?”

“Not a one until this afternoon when she walked into my garden.”

Sam’s stare was a leaden thing Cas could feel as he looked for patterns in the popcorn ceiling. Cas never expected Sam’s next question, though.

“You said that you aren’t feeling very priestly right now. Have you had feelings like that before today?”

Cas’s eyes snapped to Sam so fast his neck popped. “What do you mean? This is the first time I’ve done anything remotely close to breaking my vows!” He dropped his eyes and sighed. “And you’re right, this is the first time I haven’t worn my collar since they gave it to me.”

“What I mean, Cas, is have you possibly been having doubts recently about being a priest?” Sam looked like he thought he knew the answer to the question, already, but he wasn’t sure if Cas did.

Cas rested his head against the back of the couch again and sighed. When he finally spoke, his voice was almost timid. He didn’t want to answer out loud, because it would make everything so real, but he couldn’t deny his friend.

“Yes.”

Sam looked surprised, but didn’t mention it. “Okay, then that leads to my next question. Could this girl, well, could wanting to kiss this girl just be a manifestation of your doubts?”

Cas turned his head to look at his friend. “You don’t seem surprised that I’m having doubts.”

“That’s because I’m not, Cas. You’re my best friend. I’ve known you since we were in diapers. I probably know you better than I know Dean.”

Cas stared at Sam with wide eyes. “Then why didn’t you say something??”

“I said something plenty of times before you took your vows. You were solid every time I brought it up. You took your vows, and I figured that was it. No point in bringing up something that couldn’t be changed.” Sam shrugged and leaned back on the arm of the couch.

Cas went back to staring at the ceiling. “I did it for Mother, you know.”

Sam nodded, dropping his gaze away from the pain on his friend’s face. “Yeah, I know.”

“I mean, it’s not that I don’t love helping others, or I felt like I was missing out on anything. You and Gabe and Anna did your best to make sure I knew what I was giving up, and it never felt like much of a sacrifice before. But lately, since she’s gone….” Cas sighed and closed his eyes.

“I know, man.”

Cas let his thoughts wander. Before his mother passed, anytime he had had doubts about his calling, he had called her. She would always tell him how proud of him she was. Everyone else had disappointed her in one way or another, except for him. He was special, she’d say. He had a gift for ministry, and she was just… so…  _ proud _ .

“Since she died, she’s not around to keep reminding me why I did it. I feel ridiculous. I’ve worked my entire life for this, and I’m finally here, doing what I’ve been preparing to do, and now I just want to give it all up. I listen to the edicts from the church about women not being allowed to be church leaders, homosexuals being shunned, birth control being a sin, and I wonder how I got to where I am when I disagree with so much.” Cas sighed.

“But, Cas, you’ve always been able to put that aside because you enjoyed teaching and counseling and helping people. You also said maybe you could make changes in the Church from the inside someday. Has that changed?”

Cas shrugged. “Not really. I still enjoy teaching, just not necessarily what the Catholic Church wants me to teach. And the more I learn about the politics of the Church, the less I think I have what it takes to get far enough to make a difference.”

“Now that you’re there, though, what can you really do? I mean, what are your alternatives? Quit? Is that even possible?”

“I did some research a month or so ago. I can stop doing my duties and rejoin society, but to be let out of my vows is a much longer process. It requires dispensation from the Vatican.” Cas rubbed his hands over his face again and sighed. “I literally waited until the exact time it became most difficult back out. That’s why I let it go.”

“Cas, man, if you’re unhappy, you need to make a change. Maybe that’s why this girl seemed so attractive to you. How did she react to getting kissed by a priest, anyway?” Sam smirked and huffed a quiet laugh.

Cas went over the afternoon in his mind, then turned to Sam with eyes wide. “Oh, my… Sam, I don’t think she knew! I didn’t want to get my usual clothing dirty, since I was ripping out dead plants and such, so I was wearing my old Bee Girl tee that Gabe gave me.”

“Oh, wow. Okay. Well, you’ve got to tell her and apologize or something.”

“I only know her first name, and I believe I know her aunt, but I really have no way of contacting her. After the kiss, I backed off and tried to keep things polite, but when she had to leave, she just ran. I might never even see her again!” Cas thought of never seeing Y/N again and his chest hurt. He’d been hired to help Father Singer 10 months ago, and this was the first time he’d seen her, so he had no idea if she’d ever come back to the church ever again. And what if she did? The thought of having to explain himself to her caused him almost as much pain as the idea that he’d never see her again. “Sam, if she comes to Mass on Sunday, what do I do? How do I take her aside and explain myself?”

Sam considered his friend carefully. “I think you need to talk to Father Singer about that. Actually, I think you need to talk to Father Singer about all of this. Your thoughts about quitting the priesthood, the girl, everything.”

Cas’s shoulders slumped. “I think you’re right.”

Just then, the apartment door opened and Dean stumbled in, obviously a bit drunk. “Sammy, I’m home!” he bellowed, even though Sam was sitting on the couch right next to him. “Cas!! Buddy!! What are you doing here?”

Cas smiled at the man who’d been just as much a brother to him as his actual brothers. “Just talking some things out with Sam.”

Dean wobbled just a little before landing in the recliner next to Cas’s end of the couch. “What’s up, Cas? What’s on yer mind? Talk to me, buddy.” Dean tried to focus on Cas, but couldn’t seem to decide which of the multiple Cas-like figures in front of him was the real deal.

Cas looked at Sam, begging for salvation, but didn’t get it.

“Cas kissed a girl. And he  _ liked _ it,” Sam teased, giving Cas a reassuring smile.

Dean barked a laugh and almost toppled out of the recliner before settling himself back in a more stable position. “Go, Katy!!” Dean put a hand up to give Cas a high-five, but Cas just stared at Dean nervously. Dean eventually put his hand down, choosing to slap Cas’s leg, instead.

“Dean, why did you call me Katy? You know I hate nicknames I don’t understand.”

Sam snorted, covering his face to hide his grin.

“Dude, even I know that Katy Perry song. I mean, it’s about a girl kissing a girl, man, which is just hot.” Dean leaned back in his chair and looked at the ceiling, obviously replaying in his mind his personal experiences with the song.

“Dean, I’m not a girl, and I’m utterly indifferent to sexual orientation. We’ve been through this before.”

Sam’s laughter started to seep through his fingers, making Cas give him a worried look.

“No, man… Katy Perry sang that song, ‘I kissed a girl and I liked it,’ you know?” Dean proved that his singing had not improved since the last time Cas had heard it by singing a couple of lines while not really knowing the words. “ _ I kissed a girl and I liked it, hope my boyfriend somethin’ somethin’, I kissed a girl and I liked it, she somethin’ about cherries or lipstick…” _ Dean’s voice petered out while Sam’s laughter burst forth. Cas just watched Dean with a mix of horror and amusement.

Before Dean could start singing again, Cas stood up. “I think I’d better go, Sam. Good luck with your brother, and thanks for the talk.”

Sam stood up and clasped his friend’s shoulder. “No problem, Cas. Do you know what you’re going to do?”

“I think I will take your advice and talk to Father Singer.” Cas was interrupted by Dean, who had found the song on his phone by this point, and was playing it for Cas to hear. Cas looked back at Sam with a smile. “Good luck with your brother. May all his vomit land in the toilet.”

Sam chuckled with a grimace. “Yeah, that’s just what I need.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas talks to Bobby.

_ (After Chapter 4) _

“I was wonderin’ when you’d get around to tellin’ me about it,” Father Singer huffed with a gentle smile. “Been watchin’ you struggle with it since your mother passed.”

It was early Saturday afternoon, and Cas had just stammered and stuttered his way through explaining how he was having doubts about his chosen vocation over lunch. He hadn’t mentioned exactly what had prompted him to think about this seriously, just that he’d been thinking about it. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one who’d had doubts about his fitness as shepherd of the local flock.

Cas stared at his mentor with his eyes wide. “You  _ knew _ ??” he exclaimed, his deep voice cracking halfway through from the shock.

Father Singer, or Bobby, as he insisted Cas call him when they were alone, just nodded. “Son, I saw it on you when you first walked through the door. I just couldn’t understand why you’d dedicate your life to something that wasn’t obviously your passion. Then I met your mother, and I got it.”

“Then why didn’t you say something? Send me away? Refuse to accept me?” Cas’s eyes squinted and he tilted his head in confusion.

“Well, sometimes these things change. I’ve seen some come in like you did, and they went on to become bishops. Others stay the course, but find ways of dealing with it, like taking jobs in the administration parts of the Church. A few do the smart thing and talk about it with someone. Some of those stick around, others get themselves laicized and live out their lives as priests without ever wearing a robe again, and a rare few request special dispensation from their vows. You were the only one who could decide which you would be, and I didn’t want to alter your course.”

Cas sat staring at Bobby, dumbfounded, his mind reeling. Was he really the last person to know?

“Are you coming to me because you’ve made a decision, or just to talk it over?” Bobby asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Just to talk it over, I guess, though you’ve already answered my question, I suppose. I wasn’t sure what my options were, but I guess I have a lot to think about.”

Bobby looked kindly at his junior priest, wishing he could take away the lost look on the boy’s face. “How about you think about it for a while. Give yourself some time to consider all of your options. I would suggest until after the holidays are over, but that’s partially because I’d really appreciate you being around to help during the busy season, if you know what I mean. Obviously, if you decide to leave before then, I won’t stop you.”

Cas nodded. “Okay. That sounds reasonable.”

Bobby sighed and looked over the boy he’d come to love like a son. “I know you’ve been chewing on this for a while. Did something spark this chat?”

Cas felt a shot of panic go through his body. “Why do you ask?”

Bobby shrugged. “Usually there’s something that makes a person go from stewing to boiling, that’s all. Just wondered what it was for you.”

Cas sighed, and the older man watched his shoulders slump. “Something did spark it, but I’d rather keep it to myself for the time being, if that’s okay?”

“Sure, Cas. Just so you know I’m always here if you need to talk, all right?” Bobby clapped a hand on Cas’s shoulder as he stood up to dispose of his dishes.

“Thanks, Bobby. I appreciate it.”

Cas stared down at his unfinished sandwich long after his mentor was gone. Now that he knew that the older priest would support him no matter what he decided, he had a lot of thinking to do. He pushed the thought of Y/N out of his mind. Although his interest in her was against his vows, this had started long before he met her, and one kiss was no reason no dismantle his entire life.

Even if it was the best kiss he’d ever had in his entire life.

While he cleaned up the lunch dishes and retired to his room, he thought back to college, when Sam had tried matching him up with all kinds of people. Nobody had really affected him. After a while, thinking there must be something wrong with him, he decided to play the part of the doting boyfriend, hoping to basically fake it till he made it, as it were. He had chosen Daphne because she made him laugh, she didn’t mind his complete lack of experience in the bedroom, and she was willing to teach him what it meant to be in a relationship.

Daphne had taught him how to care for her without smothering her, how to show affection without annoying those around them, and how to show that he cared in the little ways, rather than depending on grand gestures and expensive trinkets. Daphne had also showed him how to take care of her in the bedroom. She taught him how to touch her and how she could touch him to make him feel good. They stayed together an entire semester, only deciding to break up because she was transferring to another school, and they didn’t think they could handle a long distance relationship.

When she was gone, everyone expected him to be crushed. He played the dejected single man for a while, only telling Sam that he was actually more relieved than anything else. He had been getting tired of pretending she was the center of his world, when really, he only loved her as a friend. He would be forever grateful to her for her patience and kindness, and they did manage to stay friends, exchanging cards at Christmas and the occasional email.

In all his months with Daphne, though, he never felt anything like he’d felt when he met Y/N.

Daphne was comfortable. Y/N made him distinctly uncomfortable. When he first met Daphne, he was curious to know about her, but nothing like the urge he had now to question Y/N about absolutely everything. Finally, not even the most passionate of Daphne’s kisses had created the need he had felt when he kissed Y/N. When his lips met Y/N’s, his entire body lit up in a way he hadn’t thought possible.

Cas flopped down on his bed and draped his arm over his eyes. When he had kissed Y/N, his entire body had responded. His breath quickened, his heart pounded, his palms felt sweaty, and by the time he had pushed away from her, he’d already been half hard in his pants.

That had definitely not happened with Daphne.

When he was with Daphne, her intentions had to be very clear before his body got with the program. Afterwards, he’d always felt vaguely unsatisfied, too. For just a moment, Cas allowed himself to think about Y/N. Her soft lips against his, her hands as they wrapped around his neck and tugged on his hair, her hips as they rocked into his, the sound of her little moan, and the feel of her underneath his hands.

Cas looked down at the tent in his pants and sighed. If he was going to continue being a priest, those thoughts would have to be banished.

During Mass that evening, Cas kept a wary eye out for Y/N, or even Naomi, assuming the Naomi he knew was Y/N’s aunt. He suddenly realized that he hadn’t spent much time with Naomi, if he didn’t know she had a niece. How many other parishioners had he not listened to when they spoke? What other important details should he have known by now, but didn’t, because he was just a lousy priest?

All night, Cas tossed and turned in his bed. Thoughts of how he had failed his congregation mixed with questions of what he would do if he left the priesthood. He had always been interested in plants and insects, in growing his own garden and harvesting his own honey. Bobby had been more than gracious letting him take over the abandoned garden behind the church and rectory, and he had spent many happy hours there. He also enjoyed teaching Sunday School, confirmation classes, and the summer Bible study groups. During what little sleep Cas did get, he dreamed of teaching kids about plants and bees and recycling, or having a farm where he grew his own food and chopped veggies in the kitchen while Y/N cooked dinner.

Sunday morning, he dragged himself out of bed, drinking an extra cup of coffee to help him get ready for the scheduled Masses. He couldn’t stop his eyes from searching during quiet moments for either Naomi or Y/N. The first service passed by without incident.

When Bobby called him over before the second service, his heart leapt into his throat when he saw Naomi, and a girl who looked suspiciously like Y/N from behind. When she turned and looked at him, he held his breath and tried to keep his face professional.

“Father Castiel Novak, this is Y/N, Naomi’s niece.”

Cas registered the shock on Y/N’s face and his heart sank. His theory that she hadn’t known that he was the new priest was confirmed. What must she think of him? His mind raced as he tried to keep up with what was going on around him.

“…I was a bit skeptical about such a young priest joining the church, but even I have to admit that Father Novak has been a welcome addition to our family here,” Naomi said, giving Cas a review he never would have expected from the woman who always seemed to disapprove of everything.

Y/N pulled her eyes from Cas and smiled at Father Singer. “I do believe I met, um, Father Novak on Friday, actually. We worked in the garden together.”

Bobby turned and looked at Cas with an almost indecipherable expression. “Oh, really? Well, then, you have had the pleasure of seeing the master at work. That garden has been a beauty to behold and bountiful, too. We’ve enjoyed the literal fruits of his labor in the rectory this summer.”

Cas blushed while the women nodded and smiled, though he thought Y/N’s smile appeared a little forced. “Well, I should get back to it, since the service will start soon.” He nodded at the women and quickly made his way to the one of the classrooms, where he sat down with a thud and promptly put his head between his knees and counted his breaths until they calmed. When he felt like he could face the world again, he opened the door to the classroom, only to literally run into Y/N coming out of the restroom across the hall.

They stared at each other for what felt like forever to Cas before she said, “So, it’s  _ Father _ Castiel Novak, huh?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas makes a decision.

_ (After Chapter 5) _

When Cas returned to the rectory after his conversation with Y/N at the coffee shop, he nearly ran over Bobby, who was waiting for him by the door with a frown on his face and his arms crossed over his chest.

“I think it’s time we talked about what sparked our conversation yesterday, son.”

Cas swallowed thickly, fear in his eyes. He thought about arguing, but a quick evaluation of his mentor’s stance told him it would be a wasted effort. Cas sat down heavily in the chair across from Bobby and sighed.

“So, you and Y/N spent some time together in the garden on Friday. Please tell me you idjits didn’t eat any apples.”

Cas’s cheeks reddened as he avoided Bobby’s gaze.

“Balls,” Bobby growled, shaking his head and then sitting back in his chair in defeat. “All right, son, confession time. What exactly happened?”

“I assure you, it’s all my fault. I never introduced myself properly, so she had no idea that I was a priest.” Cas stumbled over his words, all of them seeming to want to come out at once, but Bobby’s scowl only deepened. “We were talking while we worked, and she told me about her parents, and we talked about family, and then the bees came after her, and I was just trying to keep her calm so she wouldn’t get stung, and then I kissed her.”

Cas tried to meet Bobby’s gaze, but couldn’t, the shame of what he had done lying too heavily on his heart. Even though Y/N had accepted his apology and agreed to be friends, he hadn’t only sinned against her. He’d broken his vows to God.

“I’m guessing she found out who you were this morning, am I right?”

Cas nodded quietly.

“And I’m also guessing you lit out of here earlier to go talk to her.”

Another nod. Cas wished he had the courage to look up and maybe see how Bobby was taking all of this.

“Did she forgive you?”

Cas was so surprised he forgot his fear and looked up. “Um, yes. I told her I’ve been having doubts about a lot of things, I apologized for everything, and we agreed to be friends.”

Bobby nodded with a grunt, but seemed satisfied. “Your reasons for doubting your calling are not centered on her, are they?”

“No, sir,” Cas replied quickly. “Although she makes me feel things I’ve never felt before, there are many other reasons for my doubts that are far more solid than what might turn out to be nothing more than a one-sided attraction.”

Bobby’s gaze was heavy and still on Cas, making Cas sputter to speak again.

“I-I, uh, went to Sam’s Friday night to talk about everything, and he helped me face what I’ve been trying not to think about for a while, now. Talking to you yesterday helped me to see what my options are, and now I’m trying to decide what I want and where I think I might fit.”

Bobby’s stance loosened, his arms uncrossing and a heavy sigh leaving him. “All right. That’s it for now. We have to go or we’ll be late for Mass. Tomorrow, we’ll talk about this some more.”

Cas watched his mentor leave the room and wondered if he had made a critical mistake in not confessing his actions sooner.

After Mass was over, Cas kept quiet all through dinner with Bobby, considering his future. He already had the credentials to become a teacher, but to change careers right now would involve a lot of logistical change he wasn’t sure how to navigate. Leaving the priesthood meant leaving the rectory and finding somewhere new to live. Since his mother passed, there was no home to go home to, anymore. He could probably crash on Gabe’s couch, but Gabe still hadn’t settled down, and Cas didn’t think he could handle Gabe’s party lifestyle for too long. Perhaps that would be incentive to move faster and get his life in order? There was always the Winchesters’ couch, but with Dean around, that was not much better than Gabe.

Cas shook his head. Walking away from his vows was supposed to be difficult. A few months of sleeping on someone’s lumpy couch would be far less punishment than what he deserved.

Wanting to get away from his thoughts after dinner, he pulled out his phone and sent a text to Y/N. He wanted to know everything about her, and was pleased when she seemed to feel the same about him. When it finally got so late they both needed to sleep, he put his phone down and settled into his bed, closing his eyes and letting his mind wander.

Possible futures played out behind his eyelids like movies. Staying where he was, getting frustrated by the Church telling him he had to condemn people for their sexuality, for using birth control, for having sex before marriage, and a million other crimes he couldn’t understand. Another option was moving out of active preaching into an administrative position. Cas saw himself pushing papers and being stuck even closer to the parts of the Church he didn’t like. Next option: leave the Church altogether. Become a teacher. Find a little apartment and teach middle school kids about the weather and photosynthesis and bees and recycling. Maybe someday meet someone like Y/N, get a little house, maybe some kids with Y/N’s smile….

Cas sat up in bed like a shot.

Have kids??? Where did that come from?

With a sigh, Cas fell back against the pillows. He tried to think about dirty diapers and snotty noses and all the reasons he’d never been impressed with the idea of children before, but instead, he saw pigtails with soft curls, curious fingers touching a frog by a pond, and stuffed animals and toy trucks strewn across a lived-in family room. Maybe even a little voice calling him Daddy while he taught them about plants and insects.

Cas flopped over onto his side so violently the bed shifted on the hardwood floor.

A woman kissing him hello after a long day at work and asking how his day went while she rubbed his shoulders.

Cas yanked his pillow out from under his head and tried to smother himself with it while letting out a groan of frustration.

He had never wanted these things before, so why did they suddenly seem so attractive? Did meeting Y/N somehow open him up to this? Had he simply never even considered it because it wasn’t part of his plan?

Cas turned over again, this time onto his stomach with his pillow clutched in his arms under his head. He sent up a quiet prayer to his God for a sign of what he should do before falling into a restless, dream-filled sleep.

The next morning, he woke with a start from a dream about Y/N with his boxers stuck uncomfortably to his skin and a curl of desire fading from his veins. As his breathing slowed, he stared up at his ceiling and prayed to his God again.  _ Was that the sign? _

In the cold light of day, Cas reviewed the movies his mind had played for him the night before, and could no longer deny that a classroom full of inquisitive students and a tiny apartment, even without the pitter patter of little feet and warm hands of a loving wife, were still better than the alternatives. The itch he’d been denying for months, if not years, could no longer be ignored.

The conversation with Bobby was relatively short and sweet. The letter they drew up to go to the Vatican asking for Cas to be let out of his vows took a little longer. Cas agreed to stay on until a replacement could be installed so Bobby wouldn’t have to face the holidays alone, knowing that the Vatican could take months, if not a year, to respond to his request. He might as well be useful in the meantime.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is essentially Chapter 11 from Cas's POV.

Cas woke up Saturday morning with a pleasant warmth bubbling up from his chest, which he finally diagnosed as happiness, not indigestion. He’d spent the night dreaming about Y/N, and woke up with the most incredible feeling that everything was finally right in his world. He whistled on his way to the bathroom for his shower, but his whistling stopped when he got a look at himself in the mirror.

On his collarbone, luckily below where his shirts would show, was a hickey.

He studied it closely, touching it and feeling the slight tenderness, and remembered how it had happened. Y/N had sucked on his skin and the sensation had gone straight to his dick. Daphne had never been one for marking, and had actually yelled at him when he’d accidentally left one on her once, so he’d had no idea how good it could feel. As Cas stared at it, he realized that it felt good just looking at it, now. Y/N had done that to him. She had wanted him so much that she had marked him. She had wanted him so much, that she had come with him barely touching her. Y/N wanted him. The woman who made his knees weak and made his heart soar wanted him, and the proof was right there on his chest for the world to see.

The hard-on he’d been forming until that moment suddenly deflated.

The whole world couldn’t see this. Not right now, anyway. Right now, he was still a priest, and getting hickeys was definitely not in the job description. Cas sighed and got into the shower.

As his day wore on, listening to confessions, saying Mass, doing dishes, he wondered how his decision to essentially ignore his vows but continue to serve would affect his parishioners. The Catholic Church believed that priests needed to be held to a higher standard, because they were the conduit to God for the congregation. If the conduit was faulty, did that affect a parishioner’s absolution? Was he actually doing more harm than good while trying to help Father Singer?

The person to ask would be Father Singer. But what if Bobby said he had to choose? Could he give up Y/N for a few months, if not longer? Could he leave Bobby without help for those months?

In spite of his doubts, he found himself at Y/N’s apartment again that night. She was surprised to see him, but seemed happy, all the same. Since they hadn’t made plans, they decided to just sit and talk, but Cas had trouble focusing on the conversation. When she realized how quiet he was, she gently pushed him until he admitted what was bothering him. Once he had poured all of his doubts out in front of her, she nodded seriously and considered her answer before she spoke.

“Well, I’m not a priest, and the only reason I’m even Catholic is because Aunt Naomi insisted I get a religious education. Although I joke about it with Father Singer, if I had to describe my views, I’m probably more Protestant than agnostic. I don’t believe I need a priest to help me talk to God. I believe that priests and pastors are guides, not conduits. If you were a Protestant pastor, this wouldn’t be an issue. The question then is, are Protestants all going to hell because their spiritual leaders aren’t held to the same standards? If you think they are, then we need to stop this right now and you need to go confess to Father Singer. If not, then I’d say we’re okay to carry on. I guess you need to decide what you believe, and then act accordingly.”

Cas looked at Y/N, wondering if she knew what her words could mean. He could decide that he couldn’t see her until everything was settled, yet she still told him her opinion and left the decision up to him. She didn’t try to talk him into her point of view or cajole him into doing what she wanted. She truly respected that this was his decision to make.

Taking her into his arms, he held her close to him, situating her sideways in his lap, and buried his nose in her hair. He loved having her so close to him and wondered how something that felt so right could be wrong. He stopped wondering when her fingers ran through his hair and he almost purred like a kitten. They kissed lazily for a few minutes until Y/N started unbuttoning his shirt to give her access to his neck. Remembering the bruise that he already had, he pulled away from her just enough to keep her from making another one.

“You know, I had quite the surprise when I undressed to take my shower this morning.” Cas pulled open his shirt to reveal the mark she had left the night before. “We’re awfully lucky Father Singer didn’t see it before I did.” Giving Y/N a smile, he dipped his head to kiss her again.

When they came up for air again, Y/N was giving him a wicked smile. “Does that mean you don’t want me to mark you again, or that I should just be careful where I put them?”

Cas sighed sadly. “I think it’s best that you don’t, for now.” Cas closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to hers. “But as soon as the new priest comes in, I want you to mark me up as much as you want.” He took a deep breath and let out a stuttering sigh at the thought of her spending a whole night just licking and sucking at his neck. Opening his eyes, he tilted his head and studied her face. “What about you? I’ve never done it before. Am I allowed to leave marks on you?”

Cas could see the moment Y/N considered the thought, because her eyes softened and grew dark with desire as she smiled.

“God, yes, Cas. Do whatever you want.” Her voice was thick and almost hoarse, sending shivers down his spine.

Cas looked down at her neck hungrily, marveling at the miles of skin available to him around the straps of her tank top. She whimpered softly as he considered her, urging him to just do it, so he swooped down on her and pressed his lips to the sensitive skin by her ear. He wanted to make his mark truly worth it, so he licked and kissed down her throat carefully, listening to every sound she made until she almost cried out. He worked that spot a little more until he was sure he had it exactly right, then sealed his lips and sucked.

The sound that erupted out of her made him so hard he thought his zipper would break. He paused his sucking, taking a breath while he licked the spot gently, then sucked on it again, enjoying the feel of her arching her back against him. Her hands clutched at his hair, pulling just hard enough that he gasped. What started as a lazy make-out session was quickly turning into something more as undeniable want coursed through his veins. One of his hands was in her hair, holding her head back so he had access to her neck, the other squeezing her hip as burst after burst of arousal swept through him with every noise she made. Wanting to hear more of her noises, he searched for another sensitive spot to suck on while the hand on her hip slid up to her breast.

He catalogued and filed away in his brain every whimper, every moan, every soft cry of his name, and what he did to cause her to make them. When he kneaded her breast, she whimpered, but when he uncovered it and took the nipple in his mouth, she moaned. Desperate to hear more, he let his hand wander down her stomach and underneath the waistband of the shorts she was wearing. When he slid his fingers underneath the band of her panties and approached her mound, her hips bucked up and she groaned.

“Cas, please, want more,” she whined, taking one hand off of his head and putting it on his arm, pushing his hand further towards her center.

When his fingertips encountered the wetness pooled there, his groan matched hers. She was so wet, and this was all for him. Tracing the contours of her skin, he quickly found her clit and began rubbing circles around it, feeling a swelling pride at how he made her cry out and beg him for more. He finally gave her more by pushing his finger inside of her while thrusting his tongue into her mouth.

She pulled her mouth away from his to gasp for air and the hand she had in his hair scratched at his scalp while her other hand clutched at his arm. He added a second finger and found a pace that seemed to make her crazy. Pushing the heel of his hand against her clit, he searched inside her with every thrust for the one spot that would make her light up more than all the others combined.  When he found it, the curses that fell out of her mouth made him grit his teeth to hold back his own pleasure, the sound of the words so unusual coming from her mouth. He pumped into her again and again, feeling her writhe in his lap, giving only indirect pressure to his own arousal, but he was sure he’d have another mess to clean up if that changed.

Just when he thought he couldn’t take any more without exploding himself, her body locked up, her eyes tightly shut, and her mouth opened as a wordless cry left her lips. He watched in awe as she came, clenching tightly around his fingers. He continued working her through it, slowing his fingers until she frowned at the overstimulation. As she came down, he pulled his hand from her shorts and looked at his fingers in awe. They were shiny and slick, covered in the proof that he’d brought her such pleasure. Almost out of curiosity, he licked his fingers, then sucked them into his mouth to suck them clean. At that moment, he didn’t think he’d ever tasted anything better.

When he was done with his fingers, he looked down at the woman in his lap to see her looking up at him with awe, and maybe something more, shining from her eyes. With both hands, she pulled his head towards hers and kissed him roughly, sucking on his tongue and nibbling on his bottom lip. Before he knew what she was doing, she had gotten up off of his lap and was kneeling in front of him, spreading his legs and slotting herself between them.

“Y/N, you don’t have to–“ he started to argue, but she interrupted him.

“I know I don’t have to, Cas, but I want to.” She gave him a wickedly sweet smile, then urged him to push his hips closer to the edge of the sofa. With her eyes more on his face than what her hands were doing, she unbuckled his belt and opened his pants. She pushed one finger from each hand under the waistband of his boxer briefs, then tugged on them, encouraging him to lift his hips as she pulled them down to the middle of his thigh.

He gasped when the cool air hit him, his cock wet with precum, already. He didn’t feel the cold for long, though, because she wrapped her lips around the tip, sucking him clean, and then he was plunged into the wet warmth of her mouth.

His eyes rolled back into his head for a moment because he had never felt anything like this. Daphne had considered oral sex, both giving and receiving, to be disgusting and unsanitary, so this was a whole new experience for him. The sensations were so overwhelming, he clutched the fabric of the couch so hard he thought he might tear something. His head fell back and he heard noises come out of him that were unlike anything he’d ever heard before, much less made himself.

Y/N found a steady pace as she bobbed her head, stroking what wasn’t in her mouth with her hand, and as he began to ride the wave of sensation, he was able to open his eyes again and look down at her in awe. For a second he thought she might actually be smiling around his cock, and the thought made his hips buck involuntarily. Y/N seemed to have expected it, though, and didn’t break her stride. The hand that wasn’t wrapped around the base of his cock found his, unclasped his fingers from the fabric of the couch, and placed it on the back of her head. Tentatively, he tangled his hand in her hair, not wanting to affect anything she was doing because it just felt  _ so good _ .

Little did he know it could get better. Once his hand was firmly planted in her hair, her hand slithered past his pants and gently grasped his balls. He felt the pull of his orgasm approaching and he cried out her name to warn her, tugging on her hair to pull her off of him, but she wouldn’t be moved, and he couldn’t stop it. He felt his hips surge forward, though he tried to control them, and then he was coming inside of her mouth. His vision went dark for a moment while her mouth seemed to suck the orgasm from him, then her tongue was swirling around him while she licked him clean.

As he came down, he wiped at the sheen of sweat on his brow and worked to control his breathing. He felt completely drained from what he suspected was the best orgasm of his entire life. As his wits returned, he realized that Y/N had managed to pull his pants back up and tuck him away, putting him back to rights without him even realizing it. She then climbed into his lap, straddling his thighs and wrapping her arms around his neck.

Finally finding the strength, he grabbed her head with both of his hands and roughly kissed her. He tasted himself on her tongue, and somehow, that was the most enticing thing he’d ever considered. He licked into her mouth, wanting to taste the mix of her and him together. When they finally came up for air, he was panting again.

“That… was… Y/N… I’ve never… Nobody’s ever… That was incredible,” he finally managed to stammer out his thoughts, and watched her face as her eyes widened.

“Cas, that was your first blow job?”

He nodded quietly, not knowing what to say, at first. “Y/N, I’m reasonably sure that if anyone had ever done that for me before, I never would have taken my vows. Nothing has ever felt as good as that.”

Y/N’s cheeks flushed and she broke away from his gaze in embarrassment. He tugged on her chin until she looked at him again, and he kissed her tenderly, caressing her cheek.

“You are constantly expanding and changing my world for the better. I can only hope that I can give you even a fraction of what you deserve in return.”

Y/N fell into his arms, resting her head on his shoulder and nuzzling his neck. “You do, Cas. Believe me, you do.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas has another talk with Sam, and Sam talks about a girl he's got his eye on.

_ (After Chapter 11) _

The next day was Sunday, and through each Mass, Cas considered his views on faith and religion. He believed in God, but he also believed that God had come to mankind many different times in many different ways, not just the ways told in the Judeo-Christian texts. Most major religions held the same basic tenets, if you broke them down into the most basic of parts. It was the obsession over details that caused wars. His answer to Y/N’s question was simple. No, he didn’t think non-Catholics were damned for not being Catholic. If he were a Lutheran pastor, none of this would be an issue. Ergo, his decision to break his vows and not confess and repent would only hurt himself, not his congregation. At least he was only dragging himself down, and no one else.

Sunday night he went over to visit Sam and Dean for a late dinner and to catch up. He hadn’t had much chance to update his friends on what had been going on with him, or to see how they were doing. Dean dominated the talk over dinner, talking about the car he was restoring at work, and boasting about Sam saving a man caught in a house fire. Cas talked about the process of leaving the church and how long he thought it might take until he was free. He expressed concern that he wasn’t sure where he’d go when the time came, and his friends assured him he’d always have a place with them. After dinner, Dean headed out to meet up with some other firefighters, while Cas and Sam stayed behind to talk.

“I wish I had talked to you more explicitly about sex back in college, Sam.” Cas’s cheeks burned as he made his admission.

“What are you talking about, Cas? We had some pretty serious discussions back then.” Sam chuckled and sipped his beer. “What did we miss?”

Cas looked everywhere but at Sam. “Blow jobs, Sam,” he said, almost so quietly he couldn’t hear himself.

Sam covered his mouth to keep from spitting out his mouthful of beer, then swallowed loudly. “I’m sorry, Cas, what did you say?”

Screwing up his courage, he looked Sam in the eyes and declared loudly and clearly, “Blow jobs.”

Sam finished wiping his mouth and took a deep breath. “Yeah, that’s what I thought you said. Should I ask why you’re bringing them up now?”

Cas’s eyes bugged out. “Why do you think, Sam?” Not wanting to say it out loud, but not able to change the topic of discussion, either, he rolled his eyes. “Because maybe if I’d had one back in college my life would be really different right now!”

Sam, having figured out that he shouldn’t try to swallow liquids until this conversation was over, didn’t have to wipe his mouth again, but he did, anyway, just for something to do. The room was almost deathly quiet for a moment while Sam fidgeted nervously. “You mean, Daphne never….”

Cas shook his head, his eyes wide and his mouth pressed tightly into a line.

“But this girl you met, she did?”

Cas’s eyebrows almost met his hairline as he nodded vigorously.

“And you think if Daphne had, then maybe you wouldn’t have found the idea of celibacy so… agreeable?”

Cas seemed to deflate a bit, then. “I don’t know. I just know that if I had known that sex could feel like… I mean, Daphne was nice, but this….” His voice faltered as his words gave out on him.

Sam cleared his throat and nodded, clearly uncomfortable. “So, you’ve had a life-changing blow job. Good to know, Cas.” He chuckled nervously as he ran his hand through his hair, and reached for his beer, obviously needing a quick drink to get through the conversation. “You know, Cas, sex with everyone is different. Even if Daphne had, um, well, you know, back in college, there’s no saying that it would have felt the same as it does with this girl. There’s a lot to factor into it. Attraction, emotions, experience, chemistry… there’s just so many variables.”

Cas sat back with a sigh. “I don’t know why that thought persists. The idea that better sex back then would have made me reconsider my life plan is ridiculous.”

“It’s also possible that the reason why the sex before wasn’t great was because you weren’t invested in it. Knowing that the relationship would end because you wanted to go to seminary may have kept you from really getting involved. Now, however, you’re open to the idea, so you’re allowing yourself to really feel it and enjoy it.” Sam studied his friend, watching him consider all the angles.

“You mentioned experience. I guess having been in a polyamorous relationship with two men could also account for – “

Sam spitting out a mouthful of beer interrupted Cas’s thought. Cas ran to the kitchen for paper towels while Sam coughed and sputtered. When Sam could breathe normally again and the mess was cleaned up, they tried to return to their conversation. Sam looked longingly at his beer, but left it sit on the end table next to him.

“So, she was in a threesome. Wow. Tell me more about this girl, Cas, like her name, what she does, anything. And you met her at church?”

Cas screwed up his face and then frowned. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, Sam, but I’d rather keep her name and pertinent details out of it for now. If everything goes south, I don’t want anything to blow back on her. Gabe has already met her, in spite of my efforts to keep him away from her. The minute we’re ready to go public, though, you’ll be the first to know, okay?”

“It’s okay, Cas, I get it. You do what you have to do. Tell me only what you feel comfortable telling me.” Sam gave his friend a reassuring smile, but Cas could see his brain moving a mile a minute.

“It was a few years ago. The men were together first, and she joined them later. The relationship lasted for most of a year, and she was bullied and harassed for it. It ended because her circumstances changed and they couldn’t handle a long-distance relationship.” Cas watched his friend process this information the same way he’d process an article in a literary journal, turning over facts and ideas until he’d examined every side of them.

“So, it wasn’t just a one-time thing, they were really together.”

Cas nodded.

“Then, yeah, I’d say she has a lot more experience with knowing how to, uh, press your buttons.” Sam smirked, then reached for his beer before remembering why it wasn’t already in his hand.

Cas rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair. “All right, all right. How about we stop talking about the priest’s love life and instead discuss the professor’s. It’s sad when a priest has a more exciting dating life than you do, Sam.” Cas felt a moment of glee at zinging his friend, then felt remorse for teasing him. His guilt didn’t last, though, when his friend barked a laugh.

“Touché, Cas. Touché. You have a point.” Sam studied his hands for a minute, then seemed eager to grab his beer again. “Actually, I do have my eye on someone, but she’s a student, so I have to keep my distance for a while.” He sighed and gave Cas a sad smile.

“Really? Tell me about her!” Cas watched his friend blush and thought this girl must really be something to garner such a reaction.

“She’s gorgeous, man, and funny, independent, and smart as hell. She’s one of my best students, if not the best. I don’t know much about her outside of class, though. I just know how engaging she is during discussions, always finding new ways to look at things. I keep finding myself watching her in class, and worrying if she looks tired or stressed, you know? I’m basically just waiting until the semester is over to get to know her better and ask her out. I can only hope she hasn’t found someone else by then.”

Cas felt for his friend, wishing Sam could find a little of what he’d found so far with Y/N. Even though it was new, he saw a lot of potential for them to really be something special. Not that he had much experience with special, but he was certainly willing to try.

“Maybe you should hint around at your interest? Let her know that once she’s no longer your student, you’d like to see her socially?”

Sam shook his head. “I’m not even sure that’s allowed. I mean, maybe, but, I don’t know.” Shrugging it all off, he smiled. “Or maybe I will. I’ll think about it.”


	6. Chapter 6

_(After Chapter 14)_

Cas caught himself smiling for no good reason yet again, and quickly rearranged his face into the proper expression for a priest taking confession. He was supposed to be listening to the sins of his parishioners, not reliving his own without remorse.

A few days earlier, though, he had been watching some sitcom on TV with Y/N, and she had fallen asleep on his shoulder. He had looked down at her, marveling at how peaceful and stress-free she looked. In that moment, it hit him like a ton of bricks.  _ He loved her _ .

This wasn’t just attraction, anymore. He was in love with her. While she had slept on his shoulder, he had processed this new information with shock. He compared her to his only other experience in anything similar, Daphne, and found none. Daphne was a colorless memory, whereas Y/N was a vivid, technicolor reality.

And last night… Holy Mary, Mother of God, last night was so much more than he ever expected. Technically, he hadn’t done anything new or different than the things he had done with Daphne so many years ago. Somehow, though, it felt so like so much more. Y/N responded to his every touch, and her touch drove him mad. How could the act feel so much different?

Cas spent all day Saturday trying to do his job without thinking about her. No matter how hard he tried, though, flickering images of her would speed through his mind. Her smile, her laugh, the little huff she let out while she was sleeping on his shoulder, her warmth, her moans, the way she cried out his name when he made her come….

Yeah, thoughts like that did not make his job easy.

After his last duties at the church were finished, he rushed over to her apartment, itching to have her again. Yet again, they fell into bed the minute he was in the door. At least this time, he was able to pay more attention to her instead of having to use all of his focus to keep from coming at just the sight of her. He was able to feel her when she came around him, and enjoy the feel of her wrapped around him so tightly.

When they were curled around each other afterwards, lazily touching each other in gentle caresses, his doubt began to seep in. She had so much more experience than he did in the different ways there were to have sex. Already, she’d experienced his entire repertoire, and expanded it herself.

“What’s wrong, Cas? You’re worried about something; I can feel it.” She pressed her lips to his neck and a shiver went down his spine.

“I just want to learn about all the different ways I can please you. You know so much more than I do, and I’m just desperate to catch up, I guess.” He tried to shake off his worries and make them sound less like the worries they were, but wondered if she could see right through him.

She stroked his face while she reached up and kissed him softly. “Then I’ll just have to teach you what I know, and when we’ve exhausted that, then we can do research together.” He felt her smile against his mouth, and when he pulled back to see her face, she winked at him.

He felt another wave of emotion flow through him, and he wished he didn’t have to ever leave.

Sunday afternoon, he headed over to Sam and Dean’s apartment for Sunday dinner. He was a bit impatient to leave, and felt badly about it, especially when he realized how much his friend needed him. Sam listened attentively to Cas talk about his new love, but Cas could see that there was something wrong.

“Yeah, Sam, you’ve been acting like a little bitch for a while, now. I was letting it go, but this is getting ridiculous. What’s going on?” Dean demanded.

“It’s nothing, guys. Really. I just found out that the girl I liked has a boyfriend, so I’m a little down, which is stupid, because it’s not like I had a chance with her, anyway. It’s better this way, since she’s my student and we wouldn’t be allowed to date until the semester’s over.” Sam shrugged it all off, but both Cas and Dean could see his disappointment.

“I’m sorry, Sam. I know you really liked her. Maybe this is just opening you up to the next woman who comes along, and she’ll be better suited for you?”

“Yeah, Sam, what Cas said. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, and all that, even for an overgrown nerd with floppy hair like you,” Dean joked, punching his little brother in the arm.

Cas tried to steer the conversation into safer waters after that, but saw his friend’s face fall when Cas explained why he wanted to leave earlier than usual. Sam insisted that he go, though, and make the most of what he had.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of Cas meeting Ross and Tristan from Cas's POV, and his thoughts afterwards.

_(After Chapter 17)_

As Y/N headed off to the restroom, Cas tried to manage his panic. Sitting across from two tall, good-looking guys who both clearly still had feelings for his girlfriend was uncomfortable, to say the least. He couldn’t stop from comparing himself to them. They were both so confident, though they expressed it in different ways, and he was so unstable right now. These were the men who had taught her how to do that thing she had done that morning that made fireworks explode behind his eyes. He still hadn’t quite figured out what she had done that had felt so good, and these guys knew enough to have taught her. He remembered his comment about sending them a fruit basket, thought about paying for their pies, and then blushed, thinking about the explanation he’d have to give for why he was paying for their pies.  _ Thanks for teaching my girlfriend how to give me the best orgasm I’ve ever had. _ Yeah. Maybe Hallmark has a card for that?

For what it was worth, Tristan and Ross had looked a little uncomfortable, too. Ross covered it with talk, asking Cas about his family and what they were doing for Thanksgiving. Cas suddenly thanked God for giving him such an interesting family to talk about in times of discomfort. When conversation seemed to fade again, and Y/N still hadn’t returned from the restroom, Cas’s thoughts ran wild.

“So, why do you call her Bunny?” Cas thought it was an innocent enough question, but must have realized his mistake when both men blushed.

“Ahh, that’s actually not a story for us to tell, but I’m sure you’ll figure out it once you get to know her better,” Ross said, drinking down the last of his coffee to hide his discomfort.

Silence fell over the table again, and all three men shifted in their seats.

Cait arrived with the pies everyone had ordered, breaking the tension. She passed out the boxes, then turned to Cas with a serious smile. “You love her, right?”

Cas looked up at her with his pulse racing. “Yes, ma’am.”

“You’ll take care of her?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“She doesn’t have too many people anymore. She fights it, but she needs people, just like everybody else.”

“I know,” Cas said with a smile. “She got a cold a while back, and I had to steal her keys to force her to rest.” He glanced at the two men across the table expecting knowing smiles, but saw sad acceptance on their faces, instead. He suddenly realized he’d just passed some kind of test.

Cait stole his attention from Tristan and Ross by saying, “Well, then, you know. Just be good to her. She’s lost enough.” Cait then pulled him up and hugged him, then turned to the others. Y/N returned in the midst of all of the hugging, and everyone said their goodbyes.

Ross helped Cas carry the pies out to the car, and when everything was situated, he turned to Cas. “We were schmucks and didn’t put her first. Don’t be a schmuck, man. Don’t screw up like we did.”

Cas nodded, eyes wide as he stared at the taller man. “I’m trying not to.”

Ross nodded, and got into the car, Tristan following closely behind. Y/N tucked herself under Cas’s arm, pressing into his side, and he promised to himself he’d do whatever necessary to make her happy.

On the drive home, his thoughts swirled. He had so many questions, and he didn’t even know where to start.

“So, why did Ross keep calling you Bunny?”

Y/N stiffened and her face flushed so hot Cas thought he could feel the heat radiating off of her.

“Ummm, well, he used to say that when he went down on me I was like the Energizer Bunny.” Her voice was unsteady and she squirmed in her seat.

Cas didn’t have the full picture, but he saw enough. “Oh.”

The car was quiet for a while, the radio playing softly in the background.

Y/N chuckled nervously. “Yeah, Ross always loved embarrassing me with that. Tristan used to call me Thumper because he found a couple of ticklish spots I have that would make my leg jump. He’d hit me with them all the time, like in diners or movie theaters and make me kick people. He did it in bed once and I kicked Ross in the head.”

Although he didn’t appreciate the image of his girlfriend in bed with the two underwear models he’d just met, he managed to push out a chuckle at the thought of her kicking one of them.

The rest of the ride was basically quiet, one or both of them singing along to the radio every now and then. When they got back to Y/N’s apartment, Cas had to leave right away, but he took a moment to kiss her thoroughly, since he wouldn’t see her until the following evening.

“I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, with all of this sneaking around, but I love you, and you are so important to me. Soon, this will all be behind us, and then I’m going to do everything I can to make it up to you.” He planted his lips on hers, then, just sliding them together while he held her close. When they both needed air, he cradled her head with his hand, laying her head on his shoulder. He held her that way for several minutes, not wanting to let her go. She finally pulled away from him, citing the time and how he’d be late if he stayed any longer.

He managed to keep his wits about him during Mass, and he didn’t think Bobby suspected anything was on his mind, but when he retired to his room for sleep that night, his mind was filled with images of Y/N with Tristan and Ross. The way they both looked at her. The way she looked at them. The way she almost disappeared between them when they hugged her. Almost. He could see just enough of her to tell when she had completely relaxed into it. Those men made her feel safe in a way he didn’t think he could. How could he? He was only one man.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanksgiving with the Winchester/Novak clan. (aka That Time Gabe Had a Great Idea)

_ (Thanksgiving with the Winchester/Novak clan) _

The next morning brought with it disturbing thoughts of a different variety. This was his first Thanksgiving, his first major holiday, without his mother. He’d be spending it with family, but it still wouldn’t be the same.

Cas:  _ I miss my mother. _

Y/N:  _ I miss my mom, too. Aunt Naomi is nice, but it’s not the same. _

Cas:  _ It will be good to see my siblings and my friends, but you’re right. It’s not the same. _

Y/N:  _ You’re coming over here afterwards, right? _

Cas:  _ Yes. I don’t know what time, though. _

Y/N:  _ I’ll get a bottle of wine chilled and some liquor ready and we can drink until it doesn’t hurt so much. _

Cas:  _ Sounds like a plan. _

When he arrived at the Winchesters’ apartment, with four pies and grocery bags filled with the makings for salad, Gabe and Michael were already there. This was Michael’s first holiday with the family since their father had disappeared, and Cas was glad to see him. His wife and kids were at her family’s, and he would be joining them later, but Cas would take what time he could get. Anna showed up shortly after Cas, and Cas spent a moment looking around the room at his family. Yes, Luke was missing, and yes, their mother was gone, but they still had each other.

Before Cas and Sam were born, Hannah Novak and Mary Winchester had been like any other neighbors. They shared recipes, passed kids clothes between them, and swapped babysitting duties, though Mary did more babysitting than Hannah, since there were just more Novaks than Winchesters. When Mary got pregnant right after Hannah, they began sharing everything. When their sons were born, they stayed close, always helping each other.

When Mary died in the fire, Hannah took on Dean and Sam like they were her own. While John repaired the house and mourned his wife, Hannah and Chuck made sure Dean and Sam wanted for nothing. Two years later, when Chuck disappeared, John did his best to help Hannah when he could. John kept up with both houses, while Hannah hosted family dinners. Michael and Gabe watched both Novaks and Winchesters while Hannah and John worked to keep food on the table. Soon, though, Michael left home after a rift with Hannah, and Luke went to jail for the final time after a drug charge turned into felony murder. Gabe tried to stick around, but even he had to go find his own life. Dean became the surrogate parent that Anna, Cas, and Sam still needed, then, and he’d never given up the mantle. So, with Hannah and John gone, no one was surprised when Dean stepped up and said they would host the holidays from now on.

As Cas looked around the room at all of his family talking to each other and generally making a dull roar, he smiled. In spite of lost parents and a lost sibling, they were still together, and that’s what mattered. He hoped Michael and Anna still felt that way when they found out he was leaving the church.

During dinner, Gabe was the one to spill the beans, of course.

“So, Cassie, how’s your girlfriend doing?”

Michael and Anna both gasped and turned to stare at Cas. Sam turned so red for Cas he looked like he might have a coronary, and Dean just chuckled and smacked Gabe in the arm.

“Castiel?” Michael used what the younger siblings had always called the “God voice” as he questioned his youngest brother. Anna, however, was silent, though her eyes were as big as saucers.

Cas turned to Michael and Anna and took a deep breath. “I’ve decided to leave the priesthood. This was decided and the papers were submitted  _ before _ I got involved with the girl. As soon as my replacement steps in, I’ll be leaving the church for good. My replacement gets here January 5 th .”

Cas turned to glare at Gabe, but Gabe just waggled his eyebrows. “Hey, for the first time in almost forever, there’s something more scandalous than my cakes happening in this family. You can’t fault me for capitalizing on it!” Gabe exclaimed with a grin.

Questions from Michael and Anna were volleyed at him, and he promised to answer them all, but not until January. “Right now, all of this is a secret. Me leaving the church, me having an interest in a girl, nobody can know any of this, or Father Singer will be left to face the holidays alone.” Wondering if it would work on his older siblings, Cas pulled out his own God voice. “And I will  _ not _ have  _ anyone _ do  _ anything _ that would risk leaving Father Singer on his own during what is arguably the busiest time in a priest’s year. So, this stays in this room.  _ Got it?” _

Surprisingly, every head at the table nodded, giving Cas a solemn vow.

“Thank you. Now, Anna, you said you’d met someone?”

As Anna meekly began talking about a woman she’d met through work, Cas took a deep sigh of relief. He peeked at Sam, who was trying to hide a grin at his friend. Cas gave him a quick smile, and then they both returned to the meal.

After dinner, Michael left to be with his wife and kids, Anna said she was meeting some friends to help them wind down after time spent with their families, and Dean disappeared into his room, claiming that since he cooked, he didn’t have to clean. Gabe, Cas, and Sam got together and did the cleanup, with Cas doing dishes while Gabe and Sam packaged up food and put things away.

“Seriously, though, Cassie, how is the girlfriend? I know Sammy, here, knows, so you can talk, now, right?”

Cas sighed at his brother, but was secretly glad his brother had asked.

“Yesterday, we went on a road trip for those pies I brought, and we ran into her old boyfriends.”

The dish in Sam’s hand landed hard on the counter next to Cas. “You mean,  _ the boyfriends? _ ”

Gabe dropped the spoon he was using to empty the leftover mashed potatoes into a plastic container. “What do you mean,  _ the boyfriends _ , Samuel?”

Realizing he’d have to explain everything to Gabe, Cas sighed. “All right, here’s the story. A few years ago, she was in a polyamorous relationship with two bisexual men. When her mom was in a car accident, she had to drop everything to take care of her. Part of everything ended up being the relationship.”

Gabe nodded thoughtfully. “So that’s the secret. Makes sense. Glad to hear she told you.” With a shrug, he picked up the spoon and started spooning potatoes again. “So, yesterday you met them. What were they like?”

Cas turned back to the dishes and ducked his head. “Underwear models, only better looking.” He scrubbed a little too forcefully on a plate and his hand slipped, splashing soap bubbles everywhere.

Sam put the container of potatoes away in the refrigerator and shook his head at Cas. “You’re no slouch in the looks department, either, Cas. You’ve got nothing to worry about if that’s all they have going for them.”

Cas wiped down the soap bubbles he’d managed to splash onto the cabinets and backsplash with a deep sigh. “No, they’re not just good-looking, they’re also intelligent, caring, kind, affectionate, funny, and oh, did I mention? They want her back. They didn’t say it to me, but I could tell.” He pulled another dish out of the water and worked on cleaning it without making a mess this time.

“Cassie, you’re all of those things, too. I still don’t see what the problem is,” Gabe said, shaking his head and setting another dirty dish next to Cas.

“Well, then let’s get into what they do have that I don’t have. Let’s start with history. They were together for almost a year, and even have cute nicknames for her like Bunny and Thumper. Which leads to the next thing they have that I don’t. They have experience. They actually know how make her happy, because they apparently did a fantastic job of it, hence the nicknames. I’m still trying to figure out how to get her damn bra unclasped when I can’t see it!” Cas dropped the dish and the sponge he was holding into the soapy water before he broke them in his tirade. “And finally, let’s count them. Oh yeah, there’s two of them and one of me. How am I supposed to measure up when there’s  _ literally _ more of them? And speaking of measuring, did I mention they’re both built like Winchesters, not Novaks? I’m used to feeling short around Sam and Dean, but normally, I’m one of the biggest guys in the room. Not yesterday. They’re both freaking huge!”

Cas had dried his hands, and when he was done yelling, he flopped down in one of the chairs at the table, burying his head in his hands. Sam and Gabe sat down next to him.

“Did she go home with them yesterday?” Gabe asked, sitting back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest.

Cas squinted at Gabe. “No.”

“She went home with you, right?”

“Yes.”

Sam smacked Cas’s arm with the back of his hand. “There you go, then. She could have left you at any point and gone home with them, but she didn’t. She came home with you. Now, tell us, did she initiate contact with them, or did she stick by you?”

Cas thought about the entire encounter. They hugged her. They kissed her. Then, she stood next to him with her arm around his waist. She held his hand. She told them she was with him.

Cas sighed and sat back. “She stuck by me. Held my hand. Told them she was with me.”

Sam and Gabe both smiled. “See, Cassie? There you go! If she wanted them more than you, she’d have left you hanging out to dry with those yahoos.”

“Gabe’s right. If she wanted to be back with them, she wouldn’t have done those things.”

Cas looked back and forth between his brother and his best friend. “But why? Why is she with me? There’s no good reason for her to stick with me. I can’t take care of her. I can’t even take her out to dinner or a movie because we’ll get caught. We’ve already gotten caught by one person from the church, who has thankfully agreed to keep quiet, but still. When I am finally allowed to take her out, I won’t be able to because I won’t have a job. I have realized that I have no useful experience with women, so I don’t know any of the things other men know about how to, you know, please her. I’m amazed she hasn’t gotten tired of teaching me, already. And knowing that she’s used to having two men touching her… how can I possibly measure up?”

Both Sam and Gabe had soft smiles on their faces, which just confused Cas, because he felt outright panic taking him over. Sam and Gabe looked at each other and had a silent conversation, which confused Cas further because he’d never seen them do  _ that _ before.

“It seems pretty clear to me, and I think Gabe agrees, if she’s willing to put up with all of that, then she really must love you, Cas. Like, she’s seriously head-over-heels in love with you.”

Cas stared at his brother and his best friend, both smiling like idiots, the began to smile, himself. “Well, all right, then.”

He got back up and started washing dishes again, thinking about what they had said. After a while, his doubts started to creep in again. “All right, so she loves me. But that doesn’t help my problem in the bedroom. I still have no idea how to do the thing she said they did that got her the nickname Bunny.” Cas scowled at the dish in his hand, not fully realizing what he’d just said out loud.

“So, what was the thing they did that you don’t know how to do?” Gabe asked, his tone deliberately light.

Realizing what he’d said, but that Sam and Gabe weren’t mocking him for it, Cas decided to just tell them. “She said when they went down on her, she was like the Energizer Bunny.” His cheeks suddenly burned and he hid his face from the other two men.

There was no laughter like he expected, though. “Well, if you want to learn about that, you should talk to Dean. He’s pretty proud of his oral skills, and based on what I’ve heard through the walls, he knows his stuff,” Sam said with a grimace.

“This might be a crazy idea, so feel free to shoot me down,” Gabe said, squinting his eyes and rubbing his chin in thought. “What if you had a threesome with her and a guy who’s got more experience than you? That way, you can kind of learn the ropes, hands on, as it were?”

Cas scrunched up his nose and frowned. “I don’t want to share her with some random guy.”

Gabe nodded, but held up his hand to show he was still thinking. “Okay, then, well, how about you ask Dean? You said the thing you want to learn is what Sam says is Dean’s specialty. Instead of just a lecture, Dean can give you on-the-job training, as it were,” Gabe said with a wide smirk and a waggle of his eyebrows.

Cas shook his head. “We’d never hear the end of it. For the rest of our lives, at every family gathering, he’d mention it. He’d tell our grandkids about how he was almost their grandfather. No. Not Dean.”

Gabe pointed to himself and shook his head. “I’d volunteer, but I really don’t want to see my little brother naked anymore. I changed enough of your diapers, man.” He scrunched up his nose and mimed smelling something awful, then chuckled. “Hey, how about Sam? He’s your best friend, you can trust him, he’s got experience, and he can be discreet.”

Sam looked startled at Gabe’s suggestion, sitting back in his chair with wide eyes and pointing to himself. “Me, Gabe? Really?”

Cas looked at his best friend. He couldn’t trust a stranger and there was no one else he knew that he trusted more. “It’s actually perfect, Sam. I do trust you. I trust you not to make a move on her again later, and not to talk about it to anyone. You know what all of my concerns are, and can help me address them in the moment. And I can tell you’re still moping over that student of yours, so maybe this would get your mind off of her.”

Sam’s eyes were huge as he listened to his friend. “You want to have a threesome with me?”

“He doesn’t want to have sex with you, Samsquatch, he wants to watch you have sex with his girlfriend so he can learn a thing or two. Take it for the compliment it is, man!” Gabe joked, slapping Sam on the back with a laugh.

The bitch face Sam gave Gabe rivalled all the other bitch faces he had ever given the trickster.

Sensing it was time to go, Gabe got up and left, waving a hand behind him. “My work here is done. Dayenu!”

Sam faced his friend with a sigh. “All right. If we’re gonna do this, we’re gonna need rules.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the threesome from Sam's POV.

Sam opened the door to the apartment he shared with his brother, bracing himself for the noise and ruckus of the poker game inside. When he was met with quiet, he stopped short and looked around. Just then, Dean came around the corner from the kitchen.

“Hey, Sammy. Didn’t expect to see you here until tomorrow morning. Your date turn out to be a dud?” Dean went over to the table where the remains of the poker game were still laid out, and started cleaning up cards and chips.

“Something like that. What happened to the big game?” Sam put away his jacket and flopped on the couch.

“Eh, Benny got called to a fire, Garth was his ride, and Victor decided to head home to his wife and kid since it was just the two of us left. He said it was no fun being the only one losing to me.” Dean shrugged and gave one of his signature cocky smiles as he boxed up everything.

Sam nodded, but he wasn’t really paying attention. He was thinking about the mark he saw on Y/N’s neck that he knew he had left. It was wrong. She wasn’t his. He shouldn’t have marked her, but he did. He hadn’t been able to help himself.

He shouldn’t have gone to her apartment. He should have stopped Cas from leaving the coffee shop, should have told him right then and there that she was the girl he had been mooning over. He shouldn’t have raced to her apartment to try and talk to her before Cas got there. He should have said that it was too dangerous for him to get involved with a student and walked out.

But he didn’t.

When Cas had cornered him in the shower afterwards, he should have admitted Y/N was the one when Cas asked him, point blank.

But he didn’t.

He kept his mouth shut. He lied to his best friend. And now he had to live with the memories of how you looked, how you felt, and how you sounded without ever being able to touch you again.

“Hello? Earth to Sammy! I’m talking to you, Moose. What’s wrong with you?” Dean was waving a hand in front of Sam’s face.

“What? Nothing. Just thinking.” Sam batted at Dean’s hand to get it out of his face.

“Sammy, I’ve literally known you your entire life. You can’t lie to me. Something is stewing in that big brain of yours, so spill. Are you still moping about that girl?” Dean sat down on the coffee table in front of Sam, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees.

Sam stared at Dean. Could he trust Dean with this? God, Dean would literally never let her live it down if he knew.

“It’s nothing, Dean. I’m just realizing that maybe my taste in women sucks. The girl had a boyfriend, so I got outta there as quick as possible and just went to a movie. I didn’t feel like playing poker with the guys, so one movie turned into two, and now I’m just wondering where my life is going.” Sam threw up his hands and almost laughed at Dean’s grimace.

“Another girl with a boyfriend? Your taste in women does suck. Either way, man, that is too much existential bullshit for me to handle when I’m this sober. So, tomorrow night, you and me are going to the bar and finding you some girl to bang. Maybe a good lay will make you feel better.”

Sam gave Dean one of his infamous bitch faces. “A random lay isn’t going to help, Dean.” He got up and headed into his room, ignoring Dean’s tirade on how a good lay always helps and how Winchesters are studs who need to be allowed to sow some wild oats every once in a while.

His door shut out Dean’s voice and he sighed. He didn’t need a good lay, he’d just had one. And now he’d spend the rest of his life looking for someone who measured up to her.

Flopping down on his bed, he leaned back against the pillows and groaned. Scenes from his afternoon flipped through his mind like movies. Y/N kissing him. Y/N getting undressed. Y/N coming on his tongue and fingers. Y/N sucking his cock fucking perfectly. She’d been so responsive. She was so in tune with everything he needed and wanted. He pushed, she pulled, and it was fucking perfect.

God, he wanted to know what was in that drawer. Considering how eager she’d been to take on them both, he guessed vibrators and dildos to start. But what if there were blindfolds and ropes and nipple clamps…

Sam groaned as he looked down at the bulge in his pants.

He got up, locked the door, and stripped down, crawling into his bed in just his boxers, determined to think about anything but her.

He wasn’t going to think about how soft her lips were. He wasn’t going to think about how perfect her breasts felt in his hands. He wasn’t going to think about how wrecked her voice sounded when she said his name as she came.

Pushing his boxers down past his leaking hard-on, he took himself in his hand with a groan. He was so hard it was almost painful, the pressure of his hand a relief.

He wasn’t going to think about her talented tongue pressing against the underside of his cock, or twirling around the head, pressing into the slit, licking him clean.

His hips were bucking into his hand, now, his cock hard and throbbing.

And he definitely wasn’t going to remember being buried inside her so deeply he could feel her very breaths as she moaned and mewled and begged for them to make her come. He wasn’t going to wonder what it would feel like to be buried inside her with her looking up at him with those eyes of hers that entranced him. And there was no way he was going to picture her tied to her bed, blindfolded, the chain between a pair of nipple clamps swinging as she writhed beneath his hands, or crying out as he ate her like she was his last meal, or clenching down on his dick as she came hard from him thrusting into her over and over, chasing his own pleasure, his name on her lips.

Fucking into his fist hard and fast, he came almost as hard as he had inside her just a few hours ago. His release spurted over his hand and landed on his chest while he continued to pump his cock until it softened, drawing out every last drop of pleasure.

Grabbing a tissue, he wiped himself down, cleaning up the mess he’d made when he was definitely  _ not _ thinking about his best friend’s girlfriend.

Letting the endorphins from his orgasm lead him to sleep, he ignored the ache in his chest at the thought of her telling Cas she loved him. He tried not to think about how she had stiffened under his fingers when he’d touched her in the kitchen. He let the smell of her shampoo in his hair overwhelm him, but he pushed away thoughts of how Cas had held her as he left, making her relax and smile at feeling his arms around her. No, he definitely didn’t fall asleep wishing his best friend’s girlfriend would find comfort in his arms that way.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the threesome from Cas's POV.

Spending the night with Y/N, not having to get up and leave to sleep alone, waking up wrapped around her, it was everything Cas had ever wanted. The night had been… athletic… to say the least. Having all the time in the world, and having some of his insecurities relieved, gave him the courage to try new positions, and to see if he liked taking his time and teasing her.

He did.

Cas opened his eyes and saw the light that slipped in around the curtains play over her features. She looked so peaceful lying in his arms. With one finger, he gently traced the contours of her face, down her jaw to her neck. He saw a spot on her neck, but quickly figured it was a shadow from the light filtering in. Continuing his journey with his finger, he admired the curve of her neck into her shoulder and the swell of her breast as it curved underneath the blanket. This exquisite woman was his. In spite of everything, she loved him, and now he knew how to love her the way she deserved. It was amazing, he thought, what difference a day could make.

Y/N shifted towards him in her sleep, reaching out for him and burying her face in his shoulder. He looked again at her neck and noticed the spot was still there. It wasn’t a shadow. It was a bruise.

Thinking over the night, he knew he hadn’t left any marks where they could be seen over clothing. After those first marks, which they had both worked hard to hide, they’d decided it was safer if they kept their marks well hidden. He knew her thighs and breasts probably had a couple of marks on them, but he’d kept to their rule about necks.

The mark must be from Sam.

Cas stared at the mark that Sam had left. A dark, uncomfortable feeling welled in the pit of his stomach. He recognized it as jealousy, but there was no reason for him to be jealous. Sam had done exactly what he had asked him to do. He’d kept to the rules Cas had laid out. He had asked the questions Cas had wanted to ask but didn’t know how. He had showed Cas how to do things Cas had been nervous about trying. He had even given Cas ideas for how to move forward, ideas that Cas had latched on to the night before and explored with wild abandon. And when Cas had told him to go, he had made sure Cas was completely satisfied with what he had learned and he left.

Then why did it feel like he was still here?

Oh, because he’d left his mark on Y/N.

Cas had imagined that once Sam was gone, he would be completely gone. Right in front of him, though, was a reminder that he had been there. That mark put Sam right back in this bed, whether he was physically here or not.

He bit back the urge to cover Sam’s mark with his own, knowing that the faint mark Sam had left would heal quickly, making it easier to hide so no one asked Y/N any questions. If he covered it with a mark of his own, it would be darker, and she would be upset about having to cover it up. He would just have to wait for it to fade and find a way to live with it until then.

Looking at the clock, he decided he had just enough time to maybe make a few more marks of his own before he had to leave to take confessions.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Around Chapter 25)

Cas was distracted when he arrived at the shelter. Sam had been upset to hear about Gabe spilling the beans and Y/N’s friends finding out about him. So upset, Cas hadn’t really heard from him since. Sam would respond to texts with short answers, which was completely unlike him. If Sam got fired because of Cas’s insecurities, Cas would never forgive himself.

So, he buried himself in his work. He concentrated on cooking and cleaning, trying not to let on to his other volunteers that he was upset. He thought he was doing a good job until Jess took over doing dishes. Watching her grimace at the mess, he tried to remember the last time Jess had offered to cover cleanup duty. He was fairly sure dinosaurs were roaming the earth. Figuring Jess had something on her mind, he took his time doing his own work, giving her whatever time she needed to approach him.

She didn’t open her mouth until after Naomi and the other volunteers were gone, leaving only the two of them behind to finish up.

“I met someone who claimed to be one of your oldest friends, today. His name was Sam?”

Cas looked up at Jess, startled. “Yeah. Sam and I grew up together. He’s my best friend, actually. How did the two of you run into each other?”

Jess seemed to be focusing on her work, but Cas could see telltale signs of her being more interested in his reactions. He decided to help her out so she wouldn’t accidentally miss scrubbing a dish and put something away dirty.

“I was at the coffee shop near the church, and I saw him at a table with Y/N. When I went over to say hi, she introduced me. I take it they’re pretty close, too, huh?”

Cas cocked his head to the side and squinted at Jess, trying to figure out what she was getting at. “Well, they’re friends, if that’s what you’re asking.” Cas quietly asked for forgiveness for the white lie, and hoped his good intentions didn’t lead him down the wrong road.

What could Y/N and Sam have been doing that led Jess to make such a comment, though? He guessed they were discussing the leak by Gabe and how to deal with it, but why would that translate to Jess thinking they were close? Maybe they were sitting closely together to keep anyone from overhearing?

Jess scoffed, and mumbled not quite under her breath, “Yeah. Friends.”

Cas felt his anger at Jess build in his chest. He hated when people played games like this. “If you have something to say, Jess, just say it.”

Jess turned to him with a pitying expression. “It’s none of my business, but they were holding hands when I got there. They looked guilty as sin when I said hello, and when your friend heard that I knew what was going on with you, he attacked me. I left after that, but through the whole thing, they were holding hands.” She put a comforting hand on Cas’s arm, but he wanted to smack it away. “Since no one else knows about you and Y/N, no one else would tell you, so I had to, Castiel. Someone needs to look out for you, because obviously they aren’t.”

Cas plastered a smile on his face and hoped it would sell. “Jess, I appreciate you looking out for me, but I can assure you that Y/N and Sam are just good friends. They have a lot of interests in common, one of them being me. Knowing them both like I do, I can think of a few reasons why they might be commiserating with each other, not the least of which is the upcoming holiday. They could have been plotting a Christmas present for me, for all I know.” Cas forced a chuckle to match his forced smile. “Either way, I’m not worried about them being together. In fact, I welcome it. It’s important that Y/N get along with my family, and Sam is a huge part of that.”

Jess looked up at Cas and sighed. “Okay. If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure,” Cas said, hoping this would mollify the woman.

The rest of the cleanup went quickly, and Cas rushed over to Y/N’s apartment, trying to come up with actual reasons why Sam and Y/N would have been holding hands. Talking about the issue with Gabe was the most likely scenario, but if they weren’t? What else could they be talking about that intimately? Was Y/N doing poorly in Sam’s class and needed help? Could Y/N want another threesome with Sam?

Cas shivered. Although the interlude with Sam and Y/N had yielded the desired results, he most definitely didn’t want to do it again. He didn’t want to risk Sam leaving another mark. He didn’t want to hear the woman he loved scream another man’s name again. He didn’t want to share her with anyone.

Hearing those words coming from Y/N’s mouth, that she didn’t want to share him, either, made relief course through his body. Then she told him her side of the altercation with Jess, and Cas seethed. Of course, Jess made it seem like more than it was to play up her own interests. He would have to watch her in the future.


End file.
